Remembering my Mother 20 years later

 

They say time heals all wounds. I don't think that is true in all cases. Time may make the pain seem less but the wound never fully heals because there are times that it hurts so much that clearly the gash is still there. 

December 24th 2000 8:00 am is when I lost my mother to cancer. I remember it like it was yesterday. In reality it is two days shy of the 20th anniversary. I know that some people would say I need to move on. I need to let it go, she is gone but lives on in my heart. To those people I say Shut the hell up!  You think I don't know she is gone? Of course I do. Does she live on in my heart? Of course she does. Does this make my pain less?  NO! I miss my Mom as much today as I did 20 years ago, if not more. My life has moved on. I am blessed and I wish she was here to share it with me.   

Grief is a bitch! No other way of saying it. It never truly leaves you. I went through all the stages. Even
acceptance but even by accepting it doesn't mean I have to like it. 

You know what hurts even more than knowing she isn't here to share in my life: To help me celebrate the achievements and cry with me through my failures and wallow in my depression with me. Almost all her friends who knew her are no longer with us. There is no one I can reminisce with. No one that I can talk to about her and they understand how I am feeling. No one who can tell me stories and remember her when she was alive and full of life. That makes me hurt even more. 

You say well what about family?  I say, what about them? I do have a pretty large family. I have 6 brothers and a sister who, though we didn't all have the same Father, we all shared my Mother and we all grew up together. So what about them.  Good question? Well, first I would say that none of them were probably as close to my Mom as I was. Second, I would say that though we all remember our childhoods a bit different, most of them have not come to terms with the life they feel our Mother provided for them. Third, I just don't think any of them took her death as hard as I did. Thus, they do not seem to understand how I can feel the pain and grief now just as strong as I did on December 24th 2000.  I don't reach out to them because it does not bring me comfort. It does not help me deal with my grief.Do not get me wrong. I am not saying they don't still think of her. I am not saying they don't grieve and have their own feelings about it. I am just saying I have my own issues.   Maybe I am selfish, maybe I don't understand their feelings because I am just to wrapped up in mine. Is that wrong? Probably. Do I care? No. Why? Because I have to live with my feelings everyday.  

I grieve for my Mother every single day. I have not forgotten her. I think of her all the time. Do I dwell on it? No.  Does it hinder me from living my life? No.  Do I think my family understands this? No.

I didn't have a wonderful childhood. I have no doubt my Mother suffered from serious mental health issues that were undignosed. Do I think she had a rough life growing up? Yes. Do I think she did the best she could with the tools she had? Yes. Do I forgive her for what I feel was a miserable childhood? Yes. Yes, I do. Why? Because I am an adult. Because I reached out and got help for my issues. That is a whole different story. 

I choose to remember to good times. The best of my Mom. She was a hard working lady. She loved to sing. She was such a people person. Which is ironic because I am not.  

When my mom was in the room she loved to be the center of attention. She loved being around crowds and she loved to be in the middle of things. Everyone who knew her loved her.  She was so confident when it came to certain things. She was a wonderful singer and cook. She always worked and even owned two successful restuarants through the years.  She loved to play the slot machines. She could play for hours on a little as $20. She had a favorite one that had flying pigs on it. She loved it.  

In 1978 my Mom had a chance to record a 45 record. Now a days, most people don't even know what that is or what a big deal it was. I wish she would have pursuded her dream. I think her life would have been different. The best I can do is keep the memory alive. I can't always listen to it because it hurts too much to hear her voice but I am blessed I have it. I remember how much it meant to her and having it gives me some comfort. My daughter used to love to listen to it when she was little. 

 I may not remember my childhood fondly but I do remember that my Mom loved me. That is something you always remember. I was 27 years old when my Mom passed and I had just married my husband and was barely finding my place in this world. Life was different back then. My life was different.

Christmas of 1998

December 20th 2000 with 3 of my brothers

I moved to California in 1998 and Christmas of 1999 we found out my Mom had Cancer. It was on a trip to Tahoe to celebrate the holidays with my oldest brother, who at the time lived in California also. Christmas has never been the same since. Over the next year we lived through  radiation, chemo and even an expermimental bone marrow treatment. We thought we had kicked Cancer's ass.  However about Thanksgiving of 2000 we knew we had not and the outlook on doing it was grim. We vowed to make Christmas 2000 the best for her.  The family was gearing up to come to California to see her.  At this time she lived with me and my husband. My oldest brother had moved back to Florida and the rest of the family lived in the midwest.  We thought we would have a great family reunion Christmas. However as Christmas grew closer we knew time was not on our side. So everyone tried their best to get to California. 

Walking out to see the Limo

My Mom was old school and always was facinated by limousines.  She always loved to think it was a famous celebrity when she saw one. So we decieded as a Christmas surprise we would take her out in a limo to see the Christmas lights.  We had to move the date up 3 times because we just weren't sure if she was going to continue to be with us. We were finally able to make it happen. We got her dressed up in fancy party wear and we all were excited to surprise her. Funny thing was she didn't know what was happening and she got scared and since she wasn't thinking clearly. Thought we were getting her dressed up for her own funeral. We could barely get her outside. It was quite funny at the time. My Mom could be a bit dramtic at times.  When we finally got her to the front yard and she saw the beautiful white stretch limosine she started crying and it made it all worth it. This was just a couple days before Christmas Eve. Most of the family made it to California to see her. That made her happy. 

The few days leading up to Christmas eve were rough and hard on us all. I hated to see her suffering and miserable but I couldn't let her go. They told me she was doing her best to hang on because she didn't want to leave.  Both my brothers (my oldest and youngest) and my husband all told me that I needed to talk with her. To tell her I would be okay and she could go so she wouldn't be suffering. For days I refused.  I couldn't do it. I couldn't tell her I would be okay, when I knew I wouldn't be. I was being selfish, I know. How could I let her go when I didn't want to.  This is something no one should have to do. I know that death is a fact of life... but it is easier to know it than to accept it. 

On the night of December 23rd 2000 I went in to sit with my Mom for the last time. I had to be strong and tell her it was okay to go and to not be in pain anymore. That I would miss her and I would be okay.  Saying those things was one of the hardest things I had ever had to do. The next morning I was asleep on the couch and my brother came to tell me she had passed. I cried like never before and immediately felt guilt and regret. I wanted to take back what I told her. I didn't want her to leave me. I was not going to be okay... 

Christmas was never the same again.  We laid her to rest in Mountain Home Ark where she called "home" in January. When I was desiging her headstone, I had to put her favorite flying pigs on it.

Here we are 20 years later almost to the day and I still miss her just the same if not even more. I still have moments where I wish I would have had more time with her. I know deep down she was miserable and in pain and it was time but the selfish little girl in me wants more mommy time. 

One of my favorite pitures  

I believe she is in heaven and I hope when she looks down on me she is smiling. I wish she was here to share in my blessings but part of me knows she lives on in my daughter.

  Angelina Ann Davis

September 24th 1943 to December 24th 2000

I Miss and Love You Mom and I always will. 

Thank you for listening to my thoughts and a few of my memories of my Mom.